Look up slacker in the book and you'll find me

I haven't done a post here in ages. Frankly with Dave gone and stuff I've kind of just done it old school on paper, or vented on friends.

He is doing well. Bermel is busy and they've been in a lot more heat than I think he anticipated. I was completely unprepared for what he would be facing this time. I'm starting to like denial though. In a totally pathetic way it works for me. Matt is doing ok with Dave gone, but he doesn't know better. That breaks my heart, but he's a tough kid and hopefully this is our last tour. The last 5 years have been long and very lonely, but thats just the way it works for us. We'll be fine, just 5 more months.. I can do that with my eyes closed.

Someone stop me!

I'm dying to go out and do some retail therapy.. NO NO NO. I have the urge to redo the whole damn house, but I have vowed to save money this time while Dave is gone. I really need to do better.

I'm so bored already that I'm writing a list of projects to do... make daddy pillow for Matt, change out the duvet in my room. Just lots of little stuff to make the time go faster. Man, its going to be a long year...

I did hear from Dave, he is in country and waiting to go downrange. He hasn't called and all I've gotten is short emails, but thats ok. I know he's busy, just as long as I know he's safe thats good enough for me.

Gone, again

I just got back from putting Dave on the bus. I HATE the fact that we are looking at another year of this BS. I know its his job, but 22 years is enough, its time for someone else to take a turn. I'm trying so hard to not feel sorry for myself, this lifestyle is our choice after all. Its not about me, I feel so bad for Matt. He's not going to get to play football-get-you, he's not going to have his Dad at his first year of Tball, he shouldn't have to miss out on so much. Dave and Matt are so tight, it just breaks my heart that they will miss each other so much. I'm just pretty disgusted with the whole thing at this point. I don't like where he is going this time, I've never really been fearful before on a deployment but this one has me scared.

Bored

We went down to Syracuse the other night and took Matt to his first hockey game. Its only an AHL team, but he thought it was great. Dave and I had fun as well and it was just nice to get the hell out of here for a night. With Dave leaving soon we are trying to get lots of family time in. That also included a big bash at our house on Saturday night. I am now the official keeper of Mikes Keg-o-rater until the guys come home. I love beer, but I'm going to have to get really popular to make this thing work. Worse comes to worse Matt and I will get root beer for it!

I'm becoming more conscious of who I want to hang with and who I don't. Life really is better liking the company you keep. Not just settling for those who are most convienient. Too bad it took me 33 years to figure that out. DUH.

I need a poke, someone to get me motivated to do something, anything. I think I'm in the predeployment funk thing again, so I know it will snap soon, but I hate just feeling like a blob. I've been avoiding everyone again, I just don't see the point in my being bitchy and pissing people off. I've been trying to just keep my mouth closed and keep opinions to myself but it nver works. Someday I'll learn.

On a good note, Jillian and I are heading to NC soon. I'm going to see Sarah and the girls and Jillian is going to see her relatives. It works out perfect, and that trip will be just what I need to get me rolling again. I can't wait to get out of here for a while.

I got busy, then got screwed.

I am in kind of a funk, I've been volunteering a lot with the FRG and go figure.. got the ass in the end. I pushed for some changes and got them, but not in any way shape of form that I saw coming. I'm pissed at myself for investing so much in these people and I knew better, I KNEW they'd fuck me over. I hate that I expect more out of people, and am constantly disappointed. Now I will make nice, do what I volunteered to do and will stay out of the freaking way of the whole trainwreck. Its a good thing that its done anyway, it was just to frustrating. I need to go with my gut when I meet people and stick with it, I knew better this time.

Dave will be going back overseas again soon, that is starting to hit as well. I can't believe we are going to be apart for so long again. That's the Army for you these days. I should expect nothing less.

On an up note, Matt is doing awesome at school. He just loves it and his speech is coming along nicely. We need to work on getting him to be louder.. ironic in this family.

I hate stupidity

I'm surrounded by idiots. I found out a known idiot acquaintance of mine thinks its ok to leave her children unattended. Fucking idiot #1. Then today I hear that we are finally getting AC in our quarters. That's all well and good, but they are putting wall units in and we already have central forced air heat... yep, makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. That's the Army for you. Half ass on everything they touch.

Matt is in a huge whiny stage too (he of course is NOT an idiot though) I'm trying to nip it but its getting on my last nerve. Its just time for school to start I think. He needs more going on in the day, I'm just not as fun as his little buddies.

I'm turning over a new leaf, trying to budget big time and get some savings built up and bills down to nothing. We are fine anyway, but this summer has been an expensive one. Now that we are actually starting to count down to Dave retiring from the Army its time to really stick with the plan. I'm on a mission this time.

Wow, I've been slacking

Its been a long time since I've done anything here. The laptop died and lost the link. Doh! Not much has changed. I'm still mad at the world most of the time and trying desperately to relax and just go with the flow. Its just not me.

Had lunch with all the girls from my website today. Its was nice and I'm lucky to have such cool people in my life that put up with my shit. One chic that was there I just can't stand, but for some reason she just won't go away. Its kind of sad actually that I blow her off so bad ALL the time and she is just so clueless. I try not to be mean to her, but I've had it. Its gotten so bad that I don't respect her as a mother because of her stupid decisions and that I can't look away from.

Dave and I have really been great, we are both putting in the effort, and now that he is doing his ACAP stuff he's happy. Its nice to see the end of this Army tunnel. He hit 21 years last month, he's ready to get out, and I'm ready to see him happy. Just watching him talk about it is fun, he just seems so excited. Its been a long time since I have seen him that way. I like it.

Catch up.

First off I hate condiments. done.

Been working on the yard a lot, been on a domestic kick I guess. I even got as extreme as coffee's and a Princess House party.. When the fuck did that happen? I think I am teetering dangerously close to suburbia here.

I feel like being alone a lot lately. I opened a new Fort Drum message board and in the middle of my good intentions got totally suck in the loser drama crap. I've had enough of that for this lifetime, and I hope its done. Somehow I doubt it. Anyway it got to the point that I just didn't even want to answer the phone or flip open the laptop. Scary. I can't believe I let people I don't even really know get so far under my skin. I know who I am and what I'm about, why do I feel the need to care what these people think? Just knowing that I gave up the power pisses me off.

"My lifestyle determines my deathstyle" I'm watching the Metallica Documentary and that was just a lyric I'd never caught before. Interesting...

Dave and I are ok, back to our normal comfortable distance I guess. Its not ideal, but its realistic. He has been in the field a lot so he's tired. Yep, that again.... We need to talk, I know we do. Not sure how to do it, how to reconnect, but we are on a slippery slope. I just don't think that even if we talk it out anything will change. But it scares me that when he's home, I'm not as happy as I should be. Its hard to explain. I think its like Sarah says. "How can I miss you if you don't go away?" Yes girl, you are wise. I hear a lot more of what you say than you think I do. Now THAT.... is a scary thought.

Try the veal!

roar

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Hark! Who is that, stalking amidst the desert! It is Hildefer, hands clutching a piece of chainlink fence! She grunts mightily: "I'm going to bake your brains with the heat of my fury!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

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funny stuff.

I wish everyone on every board I've ever been on would read this and realize that yes... its about them.

http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php

It made me so happy in a twisted way that it is more clear then ever that I need to turn off the laptop and get back to my OCD housekeeping.

I think the cabin fever has offically won.

yada, yada, yada

bold the states you've been to, underline the states you've lived in and italicize the state you're in now...
Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /
Go HERE to have a form generate the HTML for you.

Whatever...

I get the feeling everytime I talk to my sister that I am boring her to tears. She doesn't have much to say and our lives are totally different. It bums me out because I'd really like to be closer with her, but it just doesn't happen. We have different views on family stuff I think. I'm a lot more comfortable with doing things with Mom and Dad, she acts like its painful and that totally pisses me off. I just don't get her most of the time and it bums me out.

Not a lot else going on here, snow and more fucking snow. On that note I am super excited to get down to NC and see Sarah this weekend. I need a change of scenery BAD. It will be good for Dave and Matt to have some alone time for once too.

Bought a new fire pit for the back yard. Its going to rock back there this year!!

Just spread your fingers out!!!

Dude, have you ever tried to put gloves on a 4 year old with sweaty hands that doesn't get what you are telling them to do?? I just did it and LOST it. Not proud, but who the fuck makes these things? Do they get some perverse thrill of knowing that moms across the world are cursing everytime they use their products? Its totally wrong that I got so mad at Matt for not understanding to spread his fingers out.. I feel like shit.

Dave bailed and didn't bother to help, didn't look for other mittens for Matt, nothing, just left to go shovel. Leaving Matt inside to cry mittenless because he wants to be with daddy. WTF? He knows I'll handle EVERYTHING so he doesn't even bother.

At least he is shoveling. I'm on fucking strike.

Oh and North Korea has Nukes.... ya think????? dumbass press.

ME!

All about me today!

I am- bored
I want- a money tree
I have- more than I deserve
I wish- I was more open
I hate- feeling lost
I miss- dreaming
I fear- getting old
I hear- Thomas music in my head
I search- for people who get it
I regret- to much to list lightly
I love- my family and true friends
I always- have things organized
I am not- daring
I dance- like MC Hammer on crack
I sing- badly and often
I cry- in the shower
I am not always- honest with myself
I write- for me
I win- at candyland
I lose- at pool and darts
I should- do more things for me
Three things I'm often complimented for: clean house, shiny hair, making others laugh
I get embarassed when: I cook, its awful
What upsets me- when people don't listen.. idiots
I keep a diary- to let off steam
I like to cook- NOT
Believe in love?- I believe its a work in progress
The prettiest person of the opposite sex you know- Josh(I'd like to know)
The weirdest person you know- me
The quietest person you know- my sister
Your closest friends- Sarah and Diana
The person who knows most about you- Sarah, Mom
Your best feature- Organization
Take a shower every day- at least one most days 2.
Think you've been in love- I know I have
Any tattoos? nope, not yet
Piercing? 1, ears and belly

When you see this name you think of....?
Ryan- cousin
Rob- cousin (Ryans brother)
Stephanie- online person
Aaron- One of Matts friends
Neville - the singer guy
Amy- friend in MN
Eve- biblical
Justin- The guy on IAF
Tatie- WTF?
Jack- Cheese

Screen Names- hildefer
Natural hair color- brown
Current hair color- brown

Favorites-
Number- 24
Color-Red
Day- payday
Month- July
Song- anything from 3 doors down
Food- Cheese
Drink- diet vanilly pepsi
Veggie-carrot
Fruit- orange
Season- Summer

Preferences-
Cuddle or make out?- whatever
Milk, dark or white chocolate- milk chocoloate
Pepsi or Coke- diet Pepsi, Regular Coke
Ketchup or mustard- ewwww yikes, neither
Beach or mountains- Plains
Cold or hot- cold

In the last 24 hours have you...?
Cried- no
Helped someone- yes
Bought something- yes
Gone to the movies- no
Gone out to dinner?- lunch and got stiffed
Written a real letter?- no
Talked to an ex?- oh hell no
Written in a journal?- what the fuck do you think this is
Had a serious talk?- no, but we should
Missed someone- Yes
Hugged someone?- Yes
Kissed someone- Yes

Who is the last person who-
Slept in your bed with you- Dave
Saw you today- Matt
Saw you cry- Matt, dude I was really sick
Spent the night in your house- Sable
You shared a drink with- Matt
You went to the movies with- Dave and Matt
Yelled at you- oh hell no...
Sent you an e-mail- Steve
Said "I love you"- Matt
Danced naked- Yes
Stalked someone- No, but shaking people appeals to me

Pick one-
Apples or bananas?- bananas
Red or blue- Red
Walmart or Target- Target
Math or English- Math
Drawing or painting- painting
Weirdest thing about you- pinky toenails
What book are you reading now?- some Barbara Delinsky trash
Favorite board game?- Monopoly
Favorite sound?- a big throaty V8
Worst feeling in the world?- the flu I had 2 weeks ago
What is the first thing you think about in the morning?- peeing
Romance or horror movie?- Comedy
How many rings before you answer?- 2
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?- Does Dave count?
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?- Some big decorating home improvment guru, like Norm on TOH
What was the last food that you ate?- Cream of Brocoli Soup
Last movie you saw in a theater?- Shreck 2

and so it begins....

Dave didn't do shit today but yet he is totally a blob and in bed. Its 10:30 and he doesn't have to work tomorrow. Man, my life is one ball of excitement. I usually blow it off when he is like this because I figure he is just worn down from work. Not this time, he doesn't have any work to be stressed over. Just pisses me off that he is so bored that he just is a bump on a log, he's rather hide upstairs in bed watching basketball than hang out with me. Boy, I feel wanted. He better have some oomph tomorrow or I'll lose it on his ass. Honeymoon is over again. Why does he look at me like I'm from another planet half the time? He just looks at me like I should shut up and he doesn't give a shit what I'm talking about. It makes me nuts because I feel like he doesn't care what I have to say. Guess I've just done my own therapy. Maybe he doesn't care. Go figure...

Oh and give me the remote!!!